This story is based on actual incident response events. Reader discretion is advised.
It’s a dark and stormy Friday night. You’ve just dozed off, but are jolted awake from an email notification on your phone.
You grumble, stumble across the room, and find your phone glowing like the moon.
You click the alert as you adjust your shirt, and you yawn with a bore… Malware on the factory floor.
Your EDR tool stopped the process—good enough for you to get some rest.
You click off the screen and go back to your dream.
You wake in the morrow, filled with sorrow. But remember, two weeks until PTO—oh to Dollywood you’ll go!
The weeks pass, and finally, you’re on Daredevil Falls. But, oh no, your phone is blowing up with calls.
You wanted to visit the Eagle Mountain Sanctuary, but these calls have you wary.
You walk on over to Dolly’s Mountain Home so that, in quiet, you can use your phone.
On the other end of the line, you hear a whine. Your admin says with fright that the attackers came in the middle of the night.
Early in the day, as they would say, the backups were nuked and all the servers puked.
They explain the situation, and, you’ll need to end your vacation.
With anger, you toss your funnel cake and hurry to cancel the milkshake. You shuffle the kids to the car, luring them with a Snicker’s bar.
You rush back to your room, which now feels like a tomb.
A Teams call is opened and the boss sounds concerned… “We must use insurance or the cash will be burned!”
The discussion continues while you review insurance docs, but out of the corner of your eye, a name makes your heart knock.
You read “Monster Mutual Insurance,” and your tell-tale heart fills with guilt at your negligence. You see…
Weeks earlier, you’d spoken to FRSecure, in your eyes just to be sure;
that you’d crossed all your Is and dotted all your Ts—but now that discussion fills you with unease.
In that scary talk, FRSecure walked the walk.
“We tell the truth,” they said with pride. But from their words, you shied.
You thought, “our insurance company will be true!” But now your shoes are filled with glue. You’re stuck with a team that’s far from a dream.
In front of you is a nightmare, of which you’re hyper-aware.
You had read last year’s blog post—”Monster Mutual Cyber Insurance: It’s Your Funeral Bro” scaring you most.
Pinky had filled your heart with terror, though he tries not to be the scare-er.
Your fate is sealed in the hands of the Crude Dudes, who you know to be all too rude.
Your head spins and your stomach grumbles, you pick up your phone with a case of the mumbles.
You dial the number there on the form, and on the inside, you prepare for the storm.
With a hiss and ill-temper, the voice on the line gives you a slight tremor.
“Monster Mutual Cyber Insurance… how may we ruin your day?” You explain the situation, best as you can say.
“Please hold while we transfer you to our IR partner.” Your room suddenly seems darker.
You wait and you wait. You had too much on your plate. You couldn’t spare the time and needed to save a dime.
Day creeps toward night, as your anxiety grows. Your only company is a murder of crows.
Finally, the line clicks and your knees shake like sticks. A sickly voice comes on the line, while inside you whine.
“‘Sup dude, you gonna pay the ransom?” says the dude, who thinks he’s handsome.
“Absolutely not,” you fire back like a shot. “Help us out of this mess, before we’re laid to rest!”
“Whatever, it’s your funeral bro,” comes the reply. This is not a company on which you can rely.
The line goes dead with a scraggly tone. It seems that you may just be on your own.
You fret and you sweat as you think of what’s next. Your phone vibrates and lights up with a text.
“This is the attackers, we know you have no backers. Your data is ours and others it will soon join—unless you send us some sweet Bitcoin”
Your heart sinks. Now you know this is for real—and it really stinks.
The attackers stole files, and probably have them in piles. Soon your secrets will be exposed, and you may be deposed.
Ransomware attacks—the nightmares never end. Oh, how you wish you’d listened to your friends.
They tried to warn you to get your insurance house in line, for one day in a disaster yourself you may find.
You take a deep breath and try to be brave, though you know this situation is looking quite grave.
Unmuting on Teams you tell your boss through faint screams: “We need FRSecure… of this I am sure.”
Though the network is blighted, your boss remains short-sighted. “You must use insurance, what’s with your insolence?”
“Yes, sir,” you utter as the room starts to blur.
You pick up your cell and call back the IR firm from hell…
“Welcome back bro…,” and at this point, you know. This nightmare is a reality, and will not see any more of Dolly’s hospitality.
We hope you enjoyed this story. Yes, this is meant to invoke the Halloween spirit and provide a humorous read in the process. But, while this is meant to be an entertaining take on a “horror story,” we see similar situations quite often.
The lesson and point is simple.
Although most insurance companies have their preferred security vendors, there are insurance providers who will give you the option to choose who you work with. They typically have an onboarding process, which will consist of interviews, questionnaires, and rate negotiations before an incident occurs.
If you don’t do this, you may end up stuck with the Crude Dudes…
